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This story first appeared on Wolfpup's Den (http://www.skeeter63.org/~wolfpupsden/) - a fantastic Sentinel site - under my pen name of Artos.
Blair stood looking at the small Christmas tree that he had found at the very back of the lot. His head tilted to one side, he considered whether or not it was a good tree to take back home to the loft.
Back home to the loft. He let that thought roll around in his mind for a few moments. Jim had been pretty non-plussed about getting a tree. When Blair had raised the issue at breakfast that morning, he'd just shrugged and mumbled about having to clear the damn thing up every time the needles fell off, and he couldn't be bothered with all the fuss. Fuss. Blair remembered the words and frowned. To him it wasn't a fuss; to him it was an adventure - this would be his first Christmas with Jim, and he wanted it to be special.
He sighed and again looked at the tree, then opening his wallet he carefully checked just how much money he actually had on him. Biting his lip, he considered what he could forgo to buy the tree. Then, realising that he didn't have enough - not if he wanted to get the present for Jim that he'd seen the day before - he turned and slowly walked out of the lot.
As he headed back towards his car, he contemplated why having a proper Christmas this year was important to him. To be fair to his mother, she had always given him a present at Christmas and tried her best to make it special, but it had always come with the price tag of how commercialised the event was, and that - along with their continual travelling - had always left Blair feeling that the holiday season was something that his mother was doing just for him, and not because she wanted to enjoy the splendour of the time itself.
Blair wasn't really into Christianity; while he appreciated the value of other cultures and their beliefs, he would find it hard - with his accented Jewish background - to celebrate the 25th December as the birth of Christ. He was more into Christmas because of the family feeling he always saw it generate. As a child, he had witnessed the pleasure of his friends at the various schools he attended; it was a time when everybody loved everybody else. To the present day Blair Sandburg it re-affirmed family beliefs and strengthened their foundations for another year.
Blair stopped, suddenly realising that it was this feeling of belonging that he wanted from this year's celebration; he wanted to feel like a member of a family - a family that celebrated Christmas to its fullest extent - and he wanted Jim to play the elder brother in that scenario. That thought shook him more than he was willing to admit, and he wisely wondered if maybe it was not quite the picture of their relationship that Jim had.
As he reached the car, he decided that maybe it was a good idea that he hadn't bought the tree - after all, he didn't want Jim to feel that he was getting too settled into the loft, the other man might see it as a reminder that he was really just an interloper in Jim's world, and ask him to leave.
***
Ellison glanced once more towards the main door that led into the Major Crimes office. He'd been expecting Sandburg for the last hour and the kid was late. Fifteen minutes ago he'd called the University but got no reply, and he was just about to inform Simon that he was going to look for the young anthropologist when he saw him slowly stroll into the room, backpack thrown casually over one shoulder as he headed directly towards Jim's desk.
"Where the hell have you been?" Jim demanded, more annoyance showing in his tone than he intended.
Sandburg looked up, surprised, then glancing down at the desk he mumbled, "Sorry, I just remembered some shopping that I had to do."
Blair pulled his ever-present backpack off his shoulders and slumped down in the chair beside his friend. His thoughts during the drive over to the station had depressed him more than he cared to admit, and he'd only just finally convinced himself that Jim was not about to toss him out on Christmas Eve. Sighing, he refused to look at his friend as his previous fears came flooding back.
"Well, I'd like to get at least one of these cases closed before Christmas," Ellsion said, pulling some paperwork out from under a file.
Blair looked up, surprised at Jim's tone. "Sorry," he murmured again, not sure what else he could say.
Ellison looked up sharply and caught the fleeting look of fear that flashed across Blair's features, and knowing that he was responsible for that look, he suddenly felt bad about snapping at the kid. "So," he began, leaning back in his chair and letting a smile cross his handsome face. "You've been shopping?" he asked.
Blair looked up, surprised again, but this time at the teasing note in his friend's voice. He swallowed and nodded. Returning Jim's smile, he confirmed, "Yes."
"Is Naomi coming here for Christmas?" Ellison asked, as a thought occurred to him.
Blair looked non-plussed as he answered, his tone guarded, "No... she's on a retreat in Montana... Pentonville, I think she said." He didn't bother adding that she'd contacted him the day before, saying that as she was a bit short on funds and unable to afford the travel expenses to Cascade, she was going to stay with friends. After all, she'd finished the conversation, you'll be spending it with Jim and won't want me and my sage hanging around. Blair had just weakly agreed and stood silent for several seconds after she had rung off, unable to explain the intense disappointment that he had felt at her words.
"Oh, that's a shame," Ellison commented, shuffling the papers in front of him as another thought slowly trickled across his thoughts. "Er... so what are your plans for Christmas?"
"Plans?" Blair questioned, a sinking feeling erupting within his stomach as he looked at Jim's expectant face. "Nothing, I guess," he added slowly, "I was just planning on spending it at home... I mean at the loft," he quickly amended, before he asked, "Do you have plans?" He swallowed against the sudden dryness within his mouth, already knowing the answer by the uncomfortable expression that had filtered across his friend's face.
Jim leant back in his chair and offered weakly, "Yeah... for the last couple of years I've spent Christmas with Caroline, and her mother; she lives just outside of Chicago." Blair knew that Caroline was Jim's ex-wife, but she had recently moved to San Francisco. Jim stopped, then added, "I know Caroline won't be able to make it home this year, but her mother still invited me there... it's only for a couple of days... but..." He stopped, suddenly aware of the uncomfortable feeling that had settled over the table. With false joviality, he offered, "So, you'll more than likely be hitting the bars and clubs with your university buddies, eh? Now that you know I won't be there to yell at you for coming in late and waking me." Even as he spoke, he knew that the words sounded lame.
Sandburg smiled; it was plastered across his face but didn't reach his eyes, which looked suddenly bleak. Now at least he knew why Jim wasn't concerned about putting decorations up at the loft: he wasn't going to be there. "Yeah," he heard himself saying. "Right on, man... I can party the whole time and not get one Ellison lecture about being a responsible adult... what a Christmas present." The truth was that he'd turned down all the invitations that he'd received; he just assumed that Jim would be there to spend Christmas with him.
Standing, Sandburg suddenly rasped out, "Talking of which, I've just remembered that..." he thought frantically for a reason to leave, "I, er... I've forgotten to get Elaine a present." He looked at Jim with pleading eyes as he asked, "Would you mind if I just... er... cut out for a while and got it...? You know how hectic it gets tomorrow, Christmas Eve and all, man?"
Jim looked at Sandburg, noting the pale features and the too-bright eyes, and nodded; for some reason he felt like he'd just kicked a dog. "Sure, why not... can't have you upsetting one of your co-eds by forgetting her Christmas present now, can we?"
The false smile faltered as Blair assessed whether or not Jim was joking. Deciding that it might be better not to dig too deep, he turned and almost ran from the room.
"What's wrong with the kid?" Simon asked, moving to stand beside Jim's desk, having witnessed Sandburg's rushed retreat.
Jim leaned back in his chair and eyed his captain, before throwing his pen on the desk angrily and stating, "You know, the city is paying me a lot of money to be a detective, and I can't even detect what's going on under my own nose." The words sounded bitter, even to his own ears. Holding up a hand, he waved off any further comment by finishing, "No... forget it, Simon, it's just me and my..." The words trailed off; he was not sure if he could explain the feelings that were assailing him at that moment.
Two things caught Simon's attention - the kid was either upset about something that Jim had done, or it was the other way round, and the kid was beating a healthy retreat before the Ellison temper took over, then remembering that he heard that Ellison was going to Caroline's mother for Christmas, he realised that he knew what the matter was and asked "Want to talk about it?"
Jim opened his mouth to deny that anything was wrong, but then realising that it might not be such a bad thing, he slowly nodded his head as he offered, "I think I just screwed up big time, Simon."
Banks shot him an intense look, then nodding he offered, "Come into my office; my cousin just sent me some of the Christmas coffee, it smells really bad, but tastes great."
***
Blair stood in the elevator, his backpack tossed over his shoulder and his arms crossed tightly about his middle. One part of him wanted to be sick, another just wanted to find a corner and die. He did neither; instead he silently berated himself for being such a fool. Why had he thought, assumed, that Jim would want to spend Christmas with him, why would anyone want to?
The doors opened and Blair was swept out with the people who left. Suddenly he was outside in the street, and he realised that he had nowhere to go. He stood there, uncertain about what he wanted to do. Finally, realising that people were beginning to give him strange looks, he turned and slowly began to walk along.
After several blocks, he spied a bar and, uncharacteristically, he headed towards the open door and the sound of warm laughter that was coming from it.
It was dark as he entered, but his eyes soon adjusted to the light and he made his way to the bar and sat upon an empty stool. The barman left the group he was joking with and attended to Sandburg's drink request.
Blair sat watching the condensation as it slowly trickled down his cold beer. As he did so, he let his mind wander. How could he have been so silly as to expect Jim to even want to spend Christmas with him? Of course he would want to spend it with his friends. After all, Ellison did have a life outside of his Sentinel training. Taking a gulp of his beer, Blair grimaced. It was a shame that one Blair Sandburg didn't though, as over the past few months he'd been getting deeper and deeper into his role as Jim's Guide, and his time had become so packed what with teaching and spending time at the station, that he'd began refusing their offers of going out when his friend had asked, and now they rarely asked him.
He let his mind drift back to the Christmas tree. He was glad now that he hadn't bought it. It would have been a mockery of what Christmas stood for, if he was going to be the only one to see it.
God, he thought as he finished his beer with a whisky chaser, not Blair's usual drink and he grimaced as the whisky flowed hotly down his throat, get a grip, Sandburg. You spent last Christmas alone. What the hell's so different this year? Even as he thought the words, he knew what it was: since meeting Jim his entire life had turned around. While he had always appeared to be popular, having an army of acquaintances, he'd always been a loner, never letting anyone get close in case they had upped and left like most of his Uncles had when he was a child. That was another reason why Christmas had always been a sober affair in the Sandburg household. While his mother had been the most loving and caring person he could possibly imagine, she had also been very protective of her son, never allowing any of her men friends to get too close, so that - when the inevitable parting did occur - the small boy would not be too hurt by the loss. Unfortunately, no-one had bothered to explain those particular rules of the game to Sandburg, and there had been times when he'd allowed an Uncle into his overwhelmingly large heart and the bitter pain of those losses still clung to him like a toothache.
"Want another drink?" the barman suddenly asked, coming to stand before him.
Blair looked down in surprise and saw that he'd finished his drink and was now holding an empty glass. "Sure, why not, and how about a double chaser to follow that up?" he requested as he pushed the glass across. "It's not like I've got anything else to do this Christmas," he muttered under his breath as the barman turned to fill his order.
***
Captain Banks watched his best detective and friend for several minutes before the man finally looked up and admitted, "I think I screwed up big time, Simon."
"What did you do, Jim?" Banks asked, concern filling his features. While at first he'd been unsure of the effect Sandburg would have upon his friend, he'd had to admit that the presence of the younger man did have a calming effect upon the once strictly-loner cop.
"It's more a case of what I didn't or haven't done," Jim offered, giving Simon a look of such helplessness that the other man almost laughed at the mental image of Jim Ellison ever being helpless.
"Jim... it can't be that bad," he offered, moving round his desk to pour them both a cup of the promised coffee.
"No... it's worse." The words were followed by a heartfelt sigh.
Simon handed Jim his coffee and sat behind his desk, saying in his best confide in father tone of voice, "All right, Jim, why don't you start at the beginning and we'll see if we can straighten this mess out?"
Ellison took a breath and, letting it out again in a rush, he began, "You know for the last few years I've been going up to Caroline's mother for the Christmas Holidays?" He looked up expectantly as he waited for Simon to nod. "Well, this year she asked me again, even though Caroline can't make it, and I said yes."
"Ah," Simon said, beginning to see the problem. "I guess this was after Blair moved in with you?"
"I never even gave Sandburg a thought," he confessed. "I just assumed that he'd be either with his mother, or hanging out with friends from the University." He stopped, realising that he was trying to make excuses for his own actions, and decided to be honest. "No, that's not really true... I just didn't care what Blair was up to this Christmas; I didn't give it a thought. Well," he paused and wiped a hand over his short-cropped hair. "Well, not until just now, when I told him I would be away he looked like I just kicked his dog," he finished lamely.
"And now you're feeling guilty," Simon surmised.
"No," Jim protested. "It's more than guilt, Simon... it's..." he stopped, unable to put his feelings into words. Sighing, he began again, "Blair, he's really given up a lot of things to help me out with my Sentinel problem... and, well, I just discovered that I'm taking him for granted... I mean, I expect him to be there when I'm having a problem with my senses, and yet I can't even be bothered to spend our first Christmas together. Oh no," Jim began, suddenly getting on a roll, "no... I'd much rather spend the season of goodwill with my ex-wife's mother and her twenty-three assorted family members." He ground to a stop and then offered, "And without Blair's mother coming to visit, I guess the truth is... well, I guess that I'm the only family he has at the moment."
Simon sat up and nearly spluttered his coffee across the room at Jim's words as he interrupted, talking right over his friend, "Jim, you're not his family... Blair is your room-mate. Sure he helps you out with this Sentinel thing, but he's not blood."
Ellison looked at his captain and offered seriously, "Isn't he?" Then he explained himself: "What is family, Simon...? It's someone who watches out for you, who has your best interests at heart. Blair has done that and more since this Sentinel thing started. He's been juggling this," he waved his hand about to indicate the station, "and his university work... sometimes he doesn't get to sleep until 2 or 3 in the morning, because he's been here at the station with me when he should have been at home grading papers. He never complains, even when he's hurt." He stopped as he remembered, "He's been shot at, beaten up, drugged and even kidnapped by a madman."
"But, Jim, he's aware of the risks, and he chose this Sentinel area to do his dissertation with his eyes open, nobody made him come through those doors," Simon argued, motioning towards the bullpen office, and deciding to play devil's advocate in this instance. He knew that what Blair did went way beyond what was necessary, but hadn't realised until just now that Jim didn't know that. "and no-one is making him stay." He finished pointedly.
"No," Jim answered, shaking his head. "Blair's intelligent enough; I'm sure that he could find another, easier, way of getting his dissertation." he added, "Do you know that he could have gone on that expedition to Borneo and acquired some vital points in that area. But he didn't... he chose to stay, and told me then that it was about friendship.... He told me that, and still I didn't see." He stopped and looked up at his long-time friend and said in dead seriousness, "But it's gone further than just friendship now, Simon... It's about family, and I think that it's about time I stopped acting like I don't need anyone and just accept that I've got Blair for the duration, and, to be honest, I wouldn't have it any other way." He looked decidedly uncomfortable with that revelation and refused to met his friends concerned look.
While Simon was shocked by Jim's revelation, he was not surprised. Over the last few months he'd watched the two men together, seen how they had worked as an efficient team - at times it seemed almost like an invisible connection existed between them. It had taken Jim from being one of the best hard-nose detective on the force, to being an exceptional detective capable of handling case which left others floundering as they searched for clues.
"Well then, Jim," he finally offered, raising his cup as a silent salute. "I would say that you've got some ground to cover, and some serious apologising to do before this Christmas holiday is over."
Ellison nodded; a decision had been made. Standing, he said, "If you don't mind, I've got a phone call to Pentonville to make and some shopping to do."
As he left the office, he heard Simon laugh behind him and offer, "Good luck. And Merry Christmas, Jim."
***
Blair wished that he was drunk. That at least would explain why he'd tripped up on the steps that led up to the loft. He'd stayed at the bar the entire afternoon and part of the evening, nursing his drinks, and had finally decided to leave after the room had become crowded with office workers eager to celebrate the coming holiday. He rubbed at his injured elbow and began the climb again. As he ascended, he decided that he'd brush himself down, as he'd got dust on his clothes from his trip down the stairs. By the time he reached the front door of the loft, he was so busy searching for his keys that he didn't realise that the door had been opened for him.
Slowly it swung open. Eyes wide, he slowly edged into the semi-darkened loft that was strangely lit from within. Suddenly he saw the tree. It stood 6 feet tall and was placed over by the balcony windows, and it lit up the room with a incandescent swirl of bright colours; reds, greens, yellows and blues all twinkled and flashed as they vied for attention. On top sat a large star which also shone from the bright light within.
He swallowed hard, blinking back the sudden tears that threatened to fall. It was perfect. Under the tree were several large, brightly wrapped packages. It was how he had always imagined a Christmas tree should look.
Then he noticed the rest of the loft. There were bright decorations strung out across the room, criss-crossing as they passed each other. He moved further into the room and slowly did a complete turn, taking in the wondrous sight, his eyes wide and his mouth open. It looked like Santa's grotto.
As he finished his turn, his eyes slowly came upon Jim, who was standing halfway up the stairs that led to his bedroom. He'd had a perfect view of his friend's reaction to the surprise, and it had been everything that he could hope for. Seeing that Blair had spotted him, he smiled gently and he slowly descended the stairs.
"Jim... Jim... I..." Blair stopped, still unable to put two words together.
"What?" Ellison smiled warmly as he teased, "Sandburg at a loss for words, where's the news crew?"
"Think I need a drink." Blair suddenly blurted out.
Jim wisely nodded his head. "From the looks of it, you've already had one."
The big bright, puppy eyes were turned his way again. "No... just the two...three... I mean I... I tripped on the stairs," he explained before he turned back to the tree. "You did all this, even though you're going away for Christmas...? Man, that is really cool," he offered warmly, about a gulp of emotion.
"Er... Chief," Ellison began, knowing that he had some major apologising to do. "About my going away....." Blair just looked at him, an expectant expression upon his own face. "I don't think it would be right for me to leave, not now, not when I have a visitor coming for Christmas."
Sandburg's face froze. He'd thought for a moment that the tree... the decorations were for... He stopped, pushing the thought away. "Oh right..." he swallowed hard, suddenly feeling sick. "I guess you'll want me to move out for a few days, what with your visitor and all," he began to stammer as he made to push past Ellison.
"Hey, Sandburg," Jim suddenly realised what his words must have sounded like to his insecure friend and quickly offered to make amends, "I don't think Naomi would be too impressed if you moved out now, especially as she's flying all this way just to spend Christmas with us."
"Naomi?" Blair questioned, his face crumpling with confusion.
"Yeah... she's flying in tomorrow... we're due to pick her up at 10 in the morning - which means," he said, looking seriously at his watch, "that if we are to have everything ready in time, we have got to do some major food shopping this evening." He paused and turned concerned eyes upon his friend. "That's if you want to."
"Me?" Blair demanded, his energy level suddenly peaking. "I can't think of anything else I'd rather be doing tonight then fighting my way through crowds of excited Christmas shoppers, fighting over the last Turkey, struggling for the final box of mince pies man... this is, like, soooo cool." He continued to enthuse.
Jim smiled fondly at his friend and offered, "Only you would find pleasure out of being torn apart by frantic last minute shoppers in a mall that's driving a person mad with repetitive Christmas songs."
As Blair moved towards the door, the bounce definitely back in his step, he asked, "How did you manage to get hold of Naomi?" he asked, pausing at the door to take one more look about the room. It was perfect.
"I, er... contacted the local police and told them it was a Christmas emergency. They knew her and who she was staying with, so they gave me her number and, when I invited her home for Christmas, she jumped at the chance." He finished by giving his friend a small grin.
Sandburg suddenly looked confused. "But I thought that she was low on..." He paused, not wanting to let Jim know about his mother's financial situation.
Jim, knowing what Blair was asking, just smiled and said, "Merry Christmas."
Suddenly Blair stopped, unease once more filling his handsome face as he asked, "Why?" Pity was an emotion he could well do without from his friend and, if that was what this was all about, then it would ruin the whole surprise. He unconsciously bit his lip as he waited for Jim's reply; was it all going to be snatched away from him, even at this late stage?
Ellison looked suddenly embarrassed, but then he held his head up and said clearly, "I guess I suddenly realised that I just wanted to spend this Christmas at home... with my family." He staggered back as the weight of his friend suddenly bounded into him and he was caught and held in a very tight embrace, unaware that he had spoken just the right words.
"Jim, you've made this... the... best Christmas ever," Blair stammered when he finally pulled away again, embarrassed at his own display of affection, and Jim's obvious attempts at making this Christmas as perfect as he possible could.
Jim just laughed and knew that he'd done the right thing. As his Guide turned towards the door once more, Ellison reached out and caught his arm, suddenly wanting to make it as clear as he possible could, that this was Blair's home for as long as he wanted it to be. As Blair looked back, his face flushed with happiness, eyes bright, Ellison said, "Hey, I forgot to say this when you came in...." He paused for effect, then offered warmly, "Welcome home, Blair." His reward was seeing the implications of his words filter across the younger man's face, and realised that that was going to be the best Christmas present he'd receive this year.
THE END
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